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Amazing and Funny! How I single-handedly stole 13 election races.

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This is a unique and funny true story about how I confused and changed a narrative in a college student body election. It speaks to methods to cause so much chaos and confusion that voters don’t know what they are voting for. Because it was such a small, unimportant election, it’s easier to understand how voters can elect a false idea rather than a qualified candidate.

My thirteen candidates under my wing were awful by any standard, yet I helped them sweep the “rich” kids out of student body seats their families held for generations. I recognized a fundamental campaign weakness and made my dumb campaign practically unrecognizable from theirs.

I’d be more ashamed, but the election was only for student council seats in my college. Academic positions mainly discussed such trivial matters as the rising price of Twinkies in the school cafeteria. But, the lessons learned about voters are still valid no matter the size of an election.

This story about my success in a college election in the 70s exposes how voters are not interested in learning about issues. And so, they vote for narratives only, and only when convenient.

Table of Contents

My rage against the Clean Air party

Before you get upset at what I did, let me remind you about the Clean Air party. They were rich college-aged kids with no power to do anything about clean air. They were future politicians and workers training to win elections at any cost.

Remember that the voters were privileged college students in the best of mental health and actively striving for knowledge. And understandably too busy to read ridiculous student council political platforms.

So how would I label my slate of 13 bad candidates against opposing well-known and popular ones labeled “Clean Air” candidates? Especially in California, where clean air was such a priority! And all the campaign money I had was a monthly $700 education check from the Veteran administration!

The answer came to me in a divine flash, and it worked all too well!

My breakthrough came while drinking a beer.

While having a beer and a massive burger at the Ore House in Santa Monica, California, reality struck. Strange how my best ideas come when I least expect them.

‘I can’t beat them, so I’ll need to join them!’

Though, my acceptance was only part of the answer.

Raging at the short-term memory of student voters

So you thought the problem with short-term attention spans began with the adaptation of smartphones and Tik Tock? Well, what I’m about to tell you proves otherwise!

What came next was going back to join the madness of the winning popular kids. But what could be more popular among students than “Clean Air” in California?

Then, another flash, the answer!

‘Clean Water’ was the solution that I came up with! for what is equally essential with “Clean Air” is “Clean Water.”

Was I embarrassed they sounded so similar? No, because I was raging at the time!

The disappointing candidate meeting.

I haven’t told you yet that the candidates didn’t know I was running their election campaigns. Pretty funny! But remember, this is only a student council election.

I arranged to meet most of them at another meeting where I announced my ideas. But they had already decided they would lose because the popular kids with wealthy parents always won!

The election candidate meeting was wildly successful while at least a little.

When one asked me how I would publicize my “Clean Air” slate with his candidacy, I had to think quickly because I had no plan.

I told him I would get hundreds of free posters from the Sierra Club. Now I had to deliver, with no money!

Thankfully, after a 5-minute call, they delivered 100 beautiful posters featuring clean mountain rivers running.

I was in business!

The “Plan”

The idea was to spring my plan into action at the last minute to confuse voters and block the rich kids from recovering.

I say again, does this sound familiar for the big national elections?

Illegal midnight printing and accidentally breaking the school’s printer

Not much time till election day; all I had was 100 beautiful posters. Oh yeah! And a stolen key to the campus printing press. I’m least proud of printing a few thousand hands out in the middle of the night with a picture of clean water and my candidate list.

I ended when I thought the machine was out of ink, but as I found out later, I had somehow broken it. Beginner’s luck, as later you’ll find out how it was a decisive blow to the wealthy kid candidates.

You’d be right if you thought the midnight printing indicated that I had a plan. It was so comical and practical that I had to use it. My sense of fair play was gone.

After all, I was the one in power. I was the one who was going to drag 13 bad candidates across the finish line without most of them even knowing who I was! LOL

You have tota admit pretty crazy. Right!

What was the plan exactly?

The plan was to arrive on campus at 2 am on the day of the student election. And replace all of the “Clean Air” signs with my “Clean Water” signs. Then, during the morning elections, I handed out my “Clean Water” handouts, with featured a beautiful photo from the Sierra Club and my list of candidates.

THE WIN!

My candidates and the opposition never knew what hit them. And we won!

I slept late after spending the morning replacing “Clean Air” signs with “Clean Water” signs. And found out about the win at about 2 pm.

But it wasn’t over!

Top California News: Raids and recounts

The candidates and friends of “Clean Air” struck out in the last morning, once they realized what had happened, and stole all the election boxes and ballots cast! You’d think they’d get in trouble, but they didn’t because their parents “owned” the college.

What was surprising was that the election was ruled a do-over! Even though the ones who stole the ballots lost!

Interestingly, the heads of the college ruled they were entitled because they were denied access to the campus printing machine after I broke it. Did I break it? I’ll never know.

The new election

So, you thought my election story was over. Well, it’s about half over.

A new election was to happen next week. And I had to come up with another campaign strategy.

Which I did, and it gets dicey!

Two unknown spy chics join the strategy team.

Two good-looking college-age girls joined our team at our first meeting of the new election; by then, word had spread of my political prowess, so why won’t I be entitled to better-looking girls?

One for me and one for my roommate Dave; they flirted and seemed to want to sleep with us. My bartender roommate sniffed out what was happening and alerted me.

After he told me they were spies, what was happening made sense. Fortunately, I devised a new campaign idea to throw them off track.

“The Pollution Revolution” versus “Clean Air”

Pretty catchy right? We feed them false information. And suddenly, they had to leave because of an early class the next day!

Suspicion confirmed!

We never had any intention of changing names!

We were so sure they would feed this false information to the enemy that we kept the name “Clean Water” for the next election!

After all, there wasn’t time to get new posters, and we might get caught changing signs.

Believe it or not, we won again!

Unsurprisingly, all thirteen of my candidates won a second time, especially after adding information about how “Clean Water” had stolen election boxes!

Conclusions

I am especially interested in spreading the word about my ability to steal an election by counting on voters’ faulty, short-term memory. Most only read the headlines and are easily confused.

Recent mail-in voting laws that enable low-information voting to win elections are far more dangerous than me with my one-time brilliance at a college in the 70s. However, once in place, the easy accessibility can determine an election, and it won’t be about Twinkies at a college cafeteria.

My insights into college electioneering serve as a perfect example of what must be done to win in 2024. Pay attention to the minds of voters; some will be clued in, but others are not, and their votes may be the majority.